I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
