Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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