these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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