The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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