I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
