Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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