Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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