Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the day after is always just damage control
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
