it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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