the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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