you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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