hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
