my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
