Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
