seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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