On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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