I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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