I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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