if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
