You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
