1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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