just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
