Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
