I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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