Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
