if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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