I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
