It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
