Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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