he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
