Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
