He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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