I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Randomize
