Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
