last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
