smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
