I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you didnt know i had herpes?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
