I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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