i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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