He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
