C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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