Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Randomize
