I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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