i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
