mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize