there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
