Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize