I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
