I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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