it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
