peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize