my soul wont recognize me after tonight
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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