Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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