Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
