considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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