i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
