But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
