No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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