Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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