hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
